Is There An Elephant In The Room? : Handling Confrontation

Giving a difficult performance review. Saying "no" to someone. Acknowledging and confronting tension in a working relationship with other creative people. These can all be difficult conversations that managers and team members need to have and we all sometimes avoid for a variety of reasons.

Unfortunately, avoiding these conversations can have a negative effect on you and your design team. Difficult conversations avoided are like the elephant in the corner of the room that no one wants to acknowledge is there. If you don't have the conversation it is still showing up in your relationship and can effect the productivity and morale of your graphic design team. Putting this conversation on the bottom of the to-do list everyday does not usually miraculously solve the problem. On the other hand, taking some time and the following steps will prepare you for the conversation and make it easier. And yes, you may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome.

If you have an overdue difficult conversation on your to-do list, this article provides a fresh perspective and step-by-step plan to help you deal with it.

~~ Coach Pam's Comment~~
The first step in initiating a difficult conversation is internal. You need to understand your own motivations and the effect the situation is having on you before you can have a clear picture of how to approach the conversation and what you want to accomplish. This kind of preparation takes some time and effort and brings a pay off in reduced stress and an improved outcome for both sides.

Part 1. Internal Preparation Work

Questions to ask yourself to prepare for the conversation:
• Why is it difficult for me to have this conversation?
• What am I afraid of? Perhaps the potential impact of the conversation on the relationship, perhaps loss of an employee or client, or simply the unknown
• What is the worst that could happen if you have the conversation?
• What is the cost of not having it and the impact on you and the rest of the team?
• What is your contribution to the situation? No ducking here - be honest with yourself
• What is the "bare-bones" story of the situation? When you look at the simple facts as a neutral observer would describe them you may find your perspective changing
• Who do I need to be to have this conversation? Look at your values and integrity, and consider whether or not avoiding this conversation is keeping you "small"
• What is the purpose of the conversation?

~~ Coach Pam's Comment ~~
During your internal preparation you may find you have some strong emotions on the subject. Acknowledging these feelings before hand will give you the confidence to share them during your meeting with this person without being afraid they will boil over on you and cause conflict during the conversation. You'll know you're ready to initiate the conversation when you feel calm and open to new perspectives. And lastly, be ready to work with the outcome even though it may not be your original "ideal" solution.

Part 2. Initiating The Conversation

1. Setting 1 The Stage
   • Choose the right time and place. Think of the balance of power and choose a neutral location
     and a time when you will not be disturbed
   • Invite the other person to discuss the topic and let them know its OK to ask for time to prepare
   • Set ground rules at the beginning of the conversation, such as keeping the conversation on topic and giving each other feedback if the conversation starts getting defensive
2. The Neutral Opening
   • Open with a "cooperative statement" to help remind you both that you have a working
     relationship based on a shared goal. This helps each person let go of their own position for a
     moment and start the conversation. For example: "I know the integrity of our work here is
     very important to both of us. That's why I want to sit down with you and discuss this
     situation" or "I really value our relationship and know there is some tension right now. How
     can we resolve this?"
3. Review Both Sides
   • Ask for help to understand their situation and position. Asking for help to understand will reduce the tension between you and also helps you keep an open mind while listening to their story and perspective.
   • Acknowledge your contribution to the situation. Discuss what you did right and what you
     could have done differently.
4. Seek Shared Responsibility For A Creative Solution
   • Look for directions or alternatives you are both willing to consider
   • Remember the shared goal that gave you a common perspective at the beginning of the
     conversation and seek to find a solution that meets your shared goals and ideals
   • Be willing to accept that the mutually acceptable solution may be a significant change in the
     relationship or perhaps a parting of ways
   • If you are going to walk away from this meeting agreeing to disagree make sure you know
     why. In addition, explain what concerns are not met by the rejected solutions.

~~ Coach Pam's Comment ~~
It's not always easy to keep one's cool and remember the big picture during a difficult
conversation. Try not to (get sucked in) and let the conversation turn to blame and defending. Ask "What does resolution look like? What are the possibilities?" Don't be afraid to simply ask the other person "What would you like to do here?"

No matter the outcome if the conversation is managed well you have cleared the air and raised the relationship to a new level. Both parties and your whole design team will be in a better position to move forward towards your goals. You can heave a sigh of relief and congratulate yourself for having the courage to take one more "difficult conversation" off your to-do list.